Gordon Brown UK Prime Minister re-launches again and fails

Brown solves world hunger and financial markets in a day.

I am becoming used to seeing Gordon Brown in his many guises or relaunches (currently around number seven) giving out the impression that he is more or less single handedly running every ministry in this country. From facilitating mergers between banks, solving Clostridium difficile in hospitals, greeting our hero Para Olympians back home to lagging. It is the latter theme I would like to dwell on as I was astonished to see the other day the Prime Minister of the country on national TV launching a very minor initiative that in more normal times would have been handled by a much more junior member of staff. Here we saw the great man extolling (well droning on about) the virtues of his new ‘lagging credit’ where if you are destitute or living in a croft somewhere in the god forsaking north of Scotland you can get a grant towards cavity foam insulation or lagging the turf on the roof. It was a careful exercise in avoiding any concession to the middle class and ensuring that only his clients in the north (well it is cold up there) would benefit from his largesse whereas the rest of us have to fork out – the proposal being completely riddled with caveats and exclusions designed to exclude anyone not minded to vote labour.

What was more annoying was that he was in fact not giving us anything. Dressed up as a government initiative and as a vehicle for relaunch it seems that the energy companies on threat of swingeing ‘windfall’ taxes have to do this. If you are living in a turf roofed and lined croft in Brown’s constituency you have to apply to the companies for the work to be done gratis or at the discount rate if you have some spare cash. This whole thing was yet another example of a politician making an announcement, claiming the credit whilst taking no responsibility for the implementation or the consequences. What is certain is the energy companies, quite rightly in my view, will have to cover these costs by adding ‘it’ to the bills of Joe Public you and me – of course turf living Brown voters will be able to claim relief. Now for me it is a good thing to concentrate on energy saving we cannot go on as we are but to dress all this cock and bull nonsense as some sort of give away by Brown is absurd. This was only designed to make him look good and defuse the Left of his party who regard any aspect of profit making by energy companies or otherwise as an anathema so wanted the so-called windfall tax and this boil had to be lanced before his next relaunch (the eight) at the conference this week.

I don’t think this (the seventh or is it eighth I forget) relaunch will work either – the labour party have to come to terms that Gordon Brown is not and never will be a leader – so stop trying to make him out something he is not. What we need is some management by ministers including Brown to at least steer the ship of state roughly in the right direction until the next election when thank god we have the chance of getting rid of these incompetent bunch of morons – although what job any of these could do when they bombed out is beyond me.

Cheers from a Croft in Wales

Royston

Osmophobia infects Southern Rail

Osmophobia infects Southern Rail

I feel the need to share one of those interesting facts one comes across concerning the perennial favourite of drunks and layabouts after a night on the town and following consuming a skin full of lager; the donor kebab. A recent analysis of the contents of yer average kebab showed about 60% was moisture, 20% a protein resembling meat 15% fat, 3% ash(??) and nearly 2% salt. It was the make up of the protein that caught my eye (no not the occasional horse or cat meat) but the vast colonies of bacteria that take up residence in the salmonella on a stick in the shop window. Psychotropic bacteria, leading the roll call of nasties with coliforms (the bacteria from mammalian poo) mould and yeast coming in with honourable mentions. Now you measure the presence of such things as bacteria by the colony forming units per gram measure (CFU/g) where each single CFU contains around 10 to 20 million bacteria (oh joy) even better is the numbers found in in Kebabs at 5log10 CFU/g which is about 100,000 CFU’s or about 10,000,000,000,000 bacteria per average portion of Kebab. As a matter of pure interest there is even more bacteria CFU/g in turkey kebabs (Bootiful as Bernie from the bird flu sanctuary in Norfolk would say) – mainly due to the slaughtering process as was amply shown by Jamie Oliver the other day on the box.

Now I am drawn to these strange facts mainly because I am a sad miserable git but also because coming back from London Bridge the other day this chav plonks himself down in the first class cabin and starts to eat one of these gastronomic delicacies. It was not just the absolute stench (which shook out a number of the freeloaders so this story is not all bad) that rapidly permeated the cabin – which had many of us feeling quite queasy – but the way this guys actually ate the thing. He more or less placed his hands on the table top with the Kebab’s open end pointing towards him and then lowered his head to the kebab to eat it with his chin almost touching the table top. I have never seen such a style before and Brother Brown’s drive to teach school students etiquette has obviously come a bit too late for this guy. The only redeeming feature of this entire episode was the thought of all these non-friendly bacteria being wolfed down and the fairly decent chance of a run on the loo in about five after consumption. Much rustling and glaring took place only to be resolved when the terrified guard did a once over and – yep – he had no first class ticket so decamped to annoy some paupies in second class.

Osmophobia – the fear of foul odours and nasty smells that often occurs when listening to labour politicians explain their innocent mistakes in accepting illegal funding for election campaigns.

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