humour

A day in the life of a stressed out House-Person

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Would you like you roof cleaned?

I was there doing the washing up – yes I know this is unheard off – when that black and white idiot of a dog of ours starts the hound of the Baskervilles impression and begins to bark the bloody place down. I don’t know what it is with Border Collies but they spend most of their day looking at the entrance to the drive waiting for someone to turn up then proceed to bark their flipping heads off – she’s turned postie into a nervous wreak I can tell you – and when they do get out they proceed to pee all over the visitor as a sign of submission. Anyhoo – ‘shut up you black and white bloody idiot’, I shouted just as she disappeared out of the front door on a blood quest – crap I’ll have to sort that out else she do someone a mortal – so I quickly squeezed out the sponge and in so doing sprayed water all down the front of my taupe trousers right across the front so it now looked if I had had a nasty accident and p*****d myself.

‘Oh hello would like more information about our roof cleaning service?’, said this chirpy lady who was standing on one of our garden chairs whilst our dog circled menacingly still barking of course. ‘Roof Cleaning!?’ ‘What? – will you bloody well shut up else I’ll strangle you!’ ‘Oh there’s no need to take that attitude’ – ‘Oh not you I meant that idiot.’ ‘Oh, I see – yes we offer to come around and clean the moss off you roof – it’s a new service we have started in the area.’ ‘Oh I suppose ‘offer’ means you do it for free?’ Well no you do have to pay but its reasonably cheap for a roof like your its only about £250.’ ‘WHAT!? £250 to loosen up and crack all the tiles and remove the moss I have been faithfully growing over the last ten years – No Way Jose.’ ‘I quite like the moss really so can live with it and as you can see I rather distracted right now.’ ‘Oh yes, wet yourself have you?’ ‘Yes I have wet myself because some bloody idiot called by when I am doing the washing up and…’ (from there it went down hill a bit). ‘Oh I see can I get down? – ‘Oh yes she quite friendly really we only trained her to go after idiot salesreps who waste my time with useless offers.’ ‘Oh I’ll go then – can I leave you our leaflet should you change your mind?’ – full marks for persistence though – and I walked back in to find a dog biscuit to reward black and white idiot for a job well done, to load the dishes into the dishwasher and find the newspaper.

How many bacteria in a doner kebab?

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How many bacteria in a doner kebab – Bristol University Student finds out the hard way

I was talking to her indoors about her sisters son who’s at Bristol University who just had a nasty run in with Gastroenteritis following a ‘delicious’ late night snack of a donar kebab (despite repeated warnings from his mum) after consuming a quick ten pints at the student union bar. This nasty ailment is an inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract involving both the stomach and the small intestine and resulting in acute and sometimes violent diarrhea . The inflammation is caused most often by infection resulting from with certain viruses bacteria or their toxins. Worldwide, inadequate treatment of gastroenteritis kills 5 to 8 million people per year mainly children under five. The lad was actually quite ill with his attack and was bedridden for three weeks.

In case you missed it last time I feel the need to share one of those interesting facts one comes across concerning this perennial favourite of drunks and layabouts after a night on the town and following consuming a skin full of lager; the donor kebab. I do think it is related you need to be drunk to be daft enough to eat this stuff. A recent analysis of the contents of yer average kebab showed about 60% was moisture, 20% a protein resembling meat 15% fat, 3% ash(??) and nearly 2% salt. It was the make up of the protein that caught my eye (no not the occasional horse or cat meat) but the vast colonies of bacteria that take up residence in the salmonella on a stick in the shop window. Psychotropic bacteria, leading the roll call of nasties with coliforms (the bacteria from mammalian poo) mould and yeast coming in with honourable mentions. Now you measure the presence of such things as bacteria by the colony forming units per gram measure (CFU/g) where each single CFU contains around 10 to 20 million bacteria (oh joy) even better is the numbers found in in Kebabs at 5log10 CFU/g which is about 100,000 CFU’s or about 10,000,000,000,000 bacteria per average portion of Kebab. As a matter of pure interest there is even more bacteria CFU/g in turkey kebabs (Bootiful as Bernie from the bird flu sanctuary in Norfolk would say) – mainly due to the slaughtering and collection process that literally vacuums every scrap of meat from the deceased animal’s carcase.

 
Now I’ve always remembered the revolting smell that comes for free with a kebab – my first encounter many years ago was when a colleague brought one into the office to eat at his desk and was told in no uncertain terms by our boss – ‘to get that stinking crap out of here or yer sacked’. So I have always said that anything that smells that bad cannot be good for you (or your career) – and yup my cousin has just found that out for himself – although to be fair after a skinful at the uni bar I doubt he had the intellectual wherewithal to know what he was eating.

Talking of nasty smells I came across this nice word: Osmophobia – the fear of foul odours and nasty smells that often occurs when listening to labour politicians explain their innocent mistakes in accepting illegal funding for election campaigns or explaining why they claimed expenses for porn videos.

Royston

Here is a nice picture of a bacteria magnified sqillions of times:

bacteria

The Top 5 Prince Philip verbal Gaffs – more from the Prince of Cockups

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My Top 5 Prince Philip verbal Gaffs – more from the Prince of Cockups

1.0 “If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)

2.0 “Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.”

(in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school’s steel band)

3.0 “If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!”

4.0 Edinburgh: And what exotic part of the world do you come from? Lord Taylor: I’m from Birmingham.

(1999 An exchange with Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black).

5.0 “It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.”

(in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)

Honourable Mentions

“If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed”.

During a state visit to China in 1986 to a group of British students

“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”

To a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, he asked:

Still throwing spears?

(Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002)

“British women can’t cook.” (1966)

“Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.”

(during the 1981 recession)

“We didn’t have counselors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking ‘Are you all right? Are you sure you don’t have a ghastly problem?’ You just got on with it.”

(commenting in 1995 on modern stress counseling for servicemen)

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

(in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)

“Bloody silly fool!”

(in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him)

“They must be out of their minds.”

(in 1982, in the Solomon Islands, after being told that the annual population growth was only 5%)

“You are a woman, aren’t you?”

(in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift)

“Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world.”

(in 1991, in Thailand, after accepting a conservation award)

“Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”

(in 1992 in Australia, when asked to stroke a Koala bear)

“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”

(in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)

“Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”

(in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands)

“You managed not to get eaten, then?”

(in 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea)

“You look like you’re ready for bed! “

Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes.

“Where did you get that hat? “

(1953 To her Madge the Queen, immediately after her coronation)

“The only active sport I will follow is polo – and most of the work is done by the pony.”

“The bastards murdered half my family.”

(1967 When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union)

“I’m one of those stupid bums who never went to university, and a fat lot of harm it’s done me.”

“What do you gargle with – pebbles?”

(1968 said to Tom Jones after the The Royal Variety Performance

“Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the environment.”

(1999 Said when he met three young employees of a Scottish fish farm)

“Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.”

(2001 Talking to Elton John after he told Prince Philip that he had sold his gold Aston Martin

“You were playing your instruments, weren’t you? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”

(2002 Said to a children’s band in Australia)

“If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”

“French cooking’s all very well, but they can’t do a decent English breakfast.”

(2002 Aboard the floating restaurant ‘Il Punto’ on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy)

“It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this University.”

(2005 Overheard at Bristol University’s BLADE (Bristol Laboratory for Advanced Dynamic Engineering) facility, which had been closed in order that he and the Queen could officially open it

“Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo.”

When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances.

“Do we need ear plugs? “

At the Royal Premiere of the James Bond film Die Another Day on being told that Madonna sung the theme song.

Priceless – its almost worth keeping them for this alone

Cheers

Royston