Osmophobia infects Southern Rail
I feel the need to share one of those interesting facts one comes across concerning the perennial favourite of drunks and layabouts after a night on the town and following consuming a skin full of lager; the donor kebab. A recent analysis of the contents of yer average kebab showed about 60% was moisture, 20% a protein resembling meat 15% fat, 3% ash(??) and nearly 2% salt. It was the make up of the protein that caught my eye (no not the occasional horse or cat meat) but the vast colonies of bacteria that take up residence in the salmonella on a stick in the shop window. Psychotropic bacteria, leading the roll call of nasties with coliforms (the bacteria from mammalian poo) mould and yeast coming in with honourable mentions. Now you measure the presence of such things as bacteria by the colony forming units per gram measure (CFU/g) where each single CFU contains around 10 to 20 million bacteria (oh joy) even better is the numbers found in in Kebabs at 5log10 CFU/g which is about 100,000 CFU’s or about 10,000,000,000,000 bacteria per average portion of Kebab. As a matter of pure interest there is even more bacteria CFU/g in turkey kebabs (Bootiful as Bernie from the bird flu sanctuary in Norfolk would say) – mainly due to the slaughtering process as was amply shown by Jamie Oliver the other day on the box.
Now I am drawn to these strange facts mainly because I am a sad miserable git but also because coming back from London Bridge the other day this chav plonks himself down in the first class cabin and starts to eat one of these gastronomic delicacies. It was not just the absolute stench (which shook out a number of the freeloaders so this story is not all bad) that rapidly permeated the cabin – which had many of us feeling quite queasy – but the way this guys actually ate the thing. He more or less placed his hands on the table top with the Kebab’s open end pointing towards him and then lowered his head to the kebab to eat it with his chin almost touching the table top. I have never seen such a style before and Brother Brown’s drive to teach school students etiquette has obviously come a bit too late for this guy. The only redeeming feature of this entire episode was the thought of all these non-friendly bacteria being wolfed down and the fairly decent chance of a run on the loo in about five after consumption. Much rustling and glaring took place only to be resolved when the terrified guard did a once over and – yep – he had no first class ticket so decamped to annoy some paupies in second class.
Osmophobia – the fear of foul odours and nasty smells that often occurs when listening to labour politicians explain their innocent mistakes in accepting illegal funding for election campaigns.
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